Previously, Essex County Council's mental health team have discussed schemas. Here are some tips, resources and advice to help activate positive schemas in children.
First, noticing what triggers negative thought patterns.
If you see the child(ren) in your care having negative thoughts, about themselves or those around them, take note. Try to identify what's triggering those thoughts.
If you're able to, reflect back and discuss together. This can be a positive discussion, where you accept them and their thought patterns. Discuss how these negative thoughts are valid, there for a reason, but they need to be more balanced.
Open up and share examples of your own experience too. Use examples of when you've thought 'incorrectly' and how you noticed.
We're here to help if you don't feel confident
There is a lot to do as a foster carer, noticing these patterns is a big step in itself. If you're not confident in your and the child's ability to connect in this way, we can help. Tell us your observations and we can create a safe environment. Theraplay sessions are a good way to do this.
Use positive language and avoid using words like "no" or "stop"
Instead of 'telling off', link to what the child should be doing, considering their age/stage of development too.
For example:
- "We only kick balls outside. Let me finish (this task), then we can go to the garden or park,". instead of "stop kicking that ball inside."
- "Let's race to see how quick we can put these toys away!" instead of "I keep telling you to tidy up, look at this mess"
Being playful together helps develop confidence, resilience and teaches coping skills. These are positive factors and feelings that help develop balanced schemas.
Share things you're grateful for, what's going well today
This is great self-care for foster carers, as well as children. For children who maintain negative schemas, changing our language is useful here.
"What was good about (something you know the child likes, for example, lunch time) today?" instead of "How was school today?
Listen to what you say, that can be heard as negative (because we all do it!) and try to switch to more balanced language.
Encourage the child's hobbies and interests
Clubs are great! Encouraging children to join clubs will help them build confidence, communication skills. They feel a sense of belonging in a community, and feel listened too. All these factors encourage a balanced schema.
Help children express their feelings and develop emotional skills
Children and young people who can describe how they fee, tend to be able to self regulate. They're likely to ask for help when they can't describe their feelings accurately anymore. Help children in your home grow their vocabulary, by using emotional language. This is a lifelong skill! A wheel of emotions is a good resource.
Help the children build their future vision
Children holding negative schemas will not see their potential. Work with your child, to learn what they want to do and who they want to be. Then, one of our most important tasks as caregivers is to help them get there.
Believe in them, encourage them and advocate for them. We can do this by:
- setting short-term achievable goals
- talk about setbacks as a way of learning how they can reach their goals
- remind them of where they're skilfull
- share your own experiences of something that didn't work out
- help them adjust to changing circumstances
Children have shared how their foster carers helped them achieve their dreams. For example, Cody who was fostered and is now becoming a chef.
Share the chance to care for something - an animal, plant, a virtual pet
Be reasonable, generally, we know children are rubbish at caring for things! But even basic tasks can be useful here. Especially for children with negative thinking patterns, this task helps them feel trusted and trustworthy. It builds basic skills, and helps develop a moral compass too.
They may need supportive reminders, like a calendar reminder on their phone, an Alexa reminder or a visual "who fed the cat" chart on the fridge. Find the "thing" to care for, then find the strategy that helps them do it.
Continue to share the valuable care you give
Being foster carers, you are already sharing a safe, loving home. Helping children overcome their trauma, and balance their thinking patterns, takes patience.
There is often emotional (and cognitive) delay as a result of trauma, so extra care is needed. Even if the child is rejecting the care, they'll need as much as possible. Small gestures - a note in their lunch, buying the fruit they like, asking them to play a game - are important.
Plus, helping them to build skills is important.
- Start by helping them learn how to make a cup of tea, then their lunch, then a family meal.
- Doing the laundry together, then letting them do it
- Go to the shop together, then send them with a list and a budget
Anything you can do to help children upskill will be positive and protective.
This shows children what it's like to receive unconditional care. They will build their confidence, self-determination and skills and capabilities. This is fundamental in our role as foster carers.
Learn more about therapeutic fostering
Our team of mental health co-ordinators and clinicians have shared resources around therapeutic fostering. If you need any help, or further details, please speak to your supervising social worker (SSW) who can refer you.