Katherine Mautner, a Clinical Lead, shares guidance for foster carers caring for siblings.
Often, for a child in care, their brother or sister is their longest lasting relationship. Siblings share precious memories together, important parts of their stories. We know from care leavers, splitting from siblings is one of the hardest things to deal with as a child in care.
That's why, Essex County Council's foster carers support all shapes of sibling relationships. Katherine shares how we nurture these connections, in a safe and healthy way.
First, social workers assess if it's safe for children to grow up with their siblings
Foster carers see of shapes of sibling relationships. For example; siblings who are new to foster care, a new baby joining children already in foster care. If siblings can't live together, but want to keep in touch, foster carers often support them. Helping children enjoy safe, meaningful sibling bonds is part of therapeutic fostering.
When creating a permanence plan for a child, social workers assess if it's in the children's best interests to grow up together. The starting point is that where it's safe, siblings should grow up together. This is our view, but it's also embedded in the law too.
Sadly, sometimes there are reasons why siblings cannot live together
Here are reasons why it can be better for children to live apart, and how foster carers can still support them.
If children are re-enacting harmful memories and feelings
Siblings share early memories, and for children in foster care, this can include traumatic events. Sometimes, children reenact this to try and manage or make sense of their feelings. For example, a child can be over protective, or controlling towards a sibling. Sometimes, this can even be violent or sexually harmful. This is harmful and distressing for both siblings.
How foster carers can help
If you're caring for siblings together, stay curious. Learn how they relate to each other, and how this may link with their earlier experiences. If you're worried, talk to your supervising social worker, and the children's social worker too. Think together about how to understand and respond.
If children are finding it hard to let go of harmful behaviour
With the right support, siblings can learn to relate to each other in healthier ways. Foster carers (and the team around you) build secure relationships, to help children work through anger and distress. This helps sibling relationships too. For example, letting go of the need to parent younger siblings.
How foster carers can help
If children arrive in your care, with roles and patterns that have helped them in the past, acknowledge this. Help them learn that they will benefit from letting go, encourage them to make the changes. Previously, Clare Long (a mental-health co-ordinator) discussed Theraplay, a way to form secure relationships between your foster children. This could be one way for children to feel safe in letting go.
Of course, as a foster carer, we know you want to prevent further harm and abuse. Monitoring sibling's interactions, and flagging anything which is unsafe, helps children greatly.
If children are unsettled by being around each other
Most brother and sisters have mixed feelings about each other sometimes. We've all dealt with bickering, "it's not fair, he's got the bigger one", "I had that first." But, you may notice siblings in your care respond differently to being around each other, than they do to being around other children.
This could suggest their brother or sister reminds them of traumatic experiences. Then, this makes it difficult for them to be with each other.
How foster carers can help
First, you can encourage the children to talk to you about how they feel. All siblings have mixed feelings towards each other sometimes! Try to promote their understanding of each other. Help them enjoy each other's company, by playing and talking, in safe surroundings. This supports them to develop a fulfilling bond.
If you're unsure, support is available
If you are fostering a child, whose siblings do not live with them, Katherine has further advice. As a foster carer with Essex County Council, you have access to a wide range of support. Of course, your supervising social worker. Also, local support groups run for peer to peer support. Find a support option for you now.